I Know That Something Has Changed....

Mood:  this could be the start of something new....


I am beyond embarrassed to admit this so very publicly...but here goes:  I have not only seen, but own and love all three Disney High School Musical movies.  This could be slightly less embarrassing if I had my own children...or the intellect of a 5 year old...but damn it they're cute movies.  And I have a weakness for musicals.  Little known fact about me.   Anyway, so I haven't watched them in a looooooooooooong time...especially the first one.  I haven't watched that in....years.  But tonight I felt the need to pop it in cause the song that it opens with has been stuck in my head all freaking day.  Side note...attempting to do a "grown up" job with a Disney song stuck in your head is like trying to do a Calculus proof while listening to Rebecca Black fail about Friday.  True story.


Anyway.  Sooooooooo I was going about my work day...doing very little work...when it occurred to me that I haven't blogged in a few days.  Since the recap of the first date.  I'm sure I've done nice things.  I made a freaking sweet Philly dinner tonight so I know I have.  But...mainly...I haven't blogged because...I've been kinda...smitten.


I've been single now for 3 years.  As I was actually doing the math while talking with  my mommy on the phone (yes I'll be 27 in 10 days and she's still my mommy) I realized it's going on 4 years.  That's a lot of time to be single.  Every date I've had has asked why I've been single that long.  Which without divulging a ton of personal information is a pretty heavy question.  I didn't go through a lesbian phase, or even a general man hating phase.  I just took a lot of time to myself.  The same men that ask "why 3 years?" also know that my last serious relationship lasted 6 years.  Assuming they know my age...which they do...if they did the math that means that relationship began when I was 18.  I've been single for 3 some years.  That means the break up occurred when I was almost 24.  


Given the math alone it's reasonable to have been single for that long.  And as I worked through my own insecurity about having shut myself off to relationships for some time I realized that I'm damn glad I took that time to myself.  18-23/24 are some pretty formative years.  To be in a horrible relationship that was nothing but drama on top of everything else that took place during that time....college/work/graduation/grad school/family issues/work....I mean...I'm honestly amazed I came out alive.  And relatively normal.


So what do my 3 year dating hiatus and High School Musical have in common?  A lot more than one might think.  When I fall asleep to the movie tonight it will be with a smile on my face.  Because while I am still, in fact, single...I'm FINALLY ready to change that. Which I am aware that I've blogged before.  But this time...it's a for real, butterflies in my stomach knowing that I am ready.  And it's a pretty damn good feeling to know that I've come to a place where I'm ready to share myself with someone again.  All of me.  Even the absolutely insane and crazy nonsense.  Like the fact that I'm afraid of toilet snakes because of a Scrubs episode or that I have an irrational fear of cornfields (and yes I know I live in Iowa).  


I don't expect to find my husband tomorrow...or maybe I will.  Maybe I've met him already.  Maybe I won't meet him for another 3 years.  These things I can't know.  But what I can...is that I've been nice enough to myself...to actually be ready to meet him.  And that is a wonderful gift.

And then God created....the Super Bowl

Mood:  packers?

So they won.  Which I knew they would...and I knew this because they got a very special prayer in church today.  And clearly I believe in a God that has nothing to do but listen to the prayers of people and sit around watching football.  Russell Brand actually does a hilarious bit on this version of God...using people who thank God at award shows:

Because, or course God's got nothing better to do than sit around.  OH MY ME the MTV VMAs are tonight.  No, no Lil Wayne...thank YOU.

Makes me chuckle every time I see Lil Wayne.  

Anyway...I had a crazy busy weekend.  So not like me.  I usually just kinda veg until Friday night when I either have plans or don't...and then do nothing Saturday but rest for Sunday.  This weekend I got into a minor car accident (a parked car....fml) and then spent almost 24 hours on a first date.  24 hours you say?  Yeah...24 hours.  Is that some kind of record?  Unless the first date is like...an arranged marriage at which point it would kind of last until death...I think 24 hours is pretty respectable.  So here goes the obligatory recap of the 24 hour first date.

It was.

I kid...I'll share a bit more.  As it relates.  But I'll also talk about my nice thing for the day.  And I think...if I work this out correctly...the two are related.

So I've been reading and reflecting on 1 Corinthians a lot since the end of January.  And everybody knows Paul's famous "love is not this love is that" speech.  But I've been reading the entire book...and it's pretty decent.  For Paul.  I'm still learning to like him.  Anyway.  So today's text was from 1 Corinthians 2.  It can be broken down as such...which was indeed the way the pastor went with today's sermon:

humans = human things

 God = God things

The message boils down to the following...and I'm taking liberties with Paul's words but he can freaking deal:  don't worry about figuring all the God stuff out because that's God's job.  As humans our job is to merely trust and believe...because that's all we can do.  We can't understand God...we can just love because that...is God.

I should so write a new Bible.  According to Ashley.  I may.  

Also not the point.  Enter the marathon first date.  I did not have a date with God...but I did have a date that I sincerely like.  I felt comfortable the whole time (except when some kid at the Chinese restaurant decided to torment and head butt me...joke's on him he ran into the wooden counter HA)...laughed...saw a creepy clown...a giant cow...went to Walmart to purchase a bed for me for the evening...played Mario...and through it all not once did I feel uncomfortable or anything other than content.  Okay I mean...maybe the clown was too much.  But that's just cause clowns are honestly terrifying.

So as I drove home on Saturday evening I didn't over analyze anything.  In fact...I just kinda blissfully drove through the snow watching my little GPS and listening to We The Kings.  Got home...took a shower...relaxed...called mom...slept.  And then came this morning.

All of a sudden I went straight into "Ashley" mode and decided to pick apart every look and glance and joke and movement.  Then I got in the shower...or my watery thinking box...and realized that I was, in fact, being ridiculous so I stopped thinking about it.  Except for the clown...that shit is still haunting me.

I digress...enter the words of Paul.  Love is a human thing...but it's also a divinely cosmic thing.  And no...I'm not saying I'm in love...but in any kind of relationship (working, friends, romantic, sibling) there takes a certain amount of non-work.  Yeah...I just made up a word and/or awesome phrase.  You can't force somebody to like you or to connect with you or create chemistry or laugh with and not at you.  I mean...I guess you could but then you also end up saying things like "it puts the lotion in the basket" and I don't have the underground space necessary for a that

So Paul...has once again managed to piss me off because he made me realize one of my BIGGEST shortcomings.  I can't understand love.  It is in fact, impossible for me to understand.  What does/doesn't make it happen...if it even exists...it's not my nature as a human to be able to "get it." 


I'm so okay with not "getting God" but when it comes to relationships I'm still soooooooooooo not there.  So as I sat in church today...I realized that there's going to come a point where I'm going to need to relinquish the obsessive desire to make relationships make sense.  Sometimes they just are or they just aren't...and nothing I can attempt to do or not do is going to change that.  At this point in my life all I can do is be me and leave it to God or cupid or some old lady with a crystal ball to let me know whether or not a relationship is in my cards.  I'm going to try and get out of my own head...and let somebody smarter and infinitely wiser than me do the thinking (which is why I'll be making a copious amount of phone calls to mommy and co...).  Here's where saying my date "was" fits.  Because I don't need to freak out over anything that happened or anything that didn't.  All I need to know is that I had a pretty kick ass time.  And the rest...I'll let somebody else figure out.



If this theory proves wrong...I'll be the first to let you know so you can resume freaking out over things that are just complex and stressful...bit I have a feeling that done properly...letting go is actually the first step to taking control.