Mood: homesick, thankful
It's been a long time since I wrote a blog post. To be honest, I haven't really been writing at all unless I've been being paid for it and even that has been scarce. Recently, my head has been filled with so much noise that I haven't been able to form coherent enough thoughts for a blog post and I've been avoiding writing in a personal journal as well.
But, last night, after a day full of working on a website rewrite (yay being hired on this project again!) I sat down at the desk and I wrote two pages in a journal. I used to be able to fire off 10 pages or so, but I find that the act of procrastination has seriously stifled my ability to write as fast as I am able to think. Still, I sat down and I wrote. And I wrote another two pages this morning before beginning my work hours on the website rewrite once again.
After a few hours of actual work and writing, I decided I needed to shower. And while I was in the shower, I decided to really pamper myself and self-tan when I got out. Irish/Dutch skin does NOT tan ever on it's own and I'm not really a big fan of sunburns so I am not able to lay out in the sun or walk the neighborhood and look like I came back from a wonderful week in the Bahamas, unless I want to look like I came back a crispy lobster that is. Over the years, as I made peace with the fact that I do not tan (involving one reallllllly bad back and ass burn by a tanning bed when I was 18 and stupid) I looked to self-tanners to solve the problem. And I will NEVER forget my first venture. It was the summer of my ninth grade year of high school and my friends and I were going to Dorney Park (an amusement park in Allentown, PA...and I would do anything to spend a day there this summer!) the next day. Maybe some girls at that point had made peace with their "porcelain" complexion, but I saw my legs are more pasty than porcelain. So I picked up some Neutrogena (I honestly don't even know if St. Tropez existed then) sunless tanner at CVS and I slathered it on the night before our big day.
As a whole, I do not remember it being a seriously epic disaster, but I did have the tell-tale sign of self-tanning....orange stuck in between my fingers and darker palms. I figured nobody would care, my legs didn't look as ghostly anymore and so, without crippling self doubt, I got in the car with my mom (the designated Dorney driver) to pick up my friends. When we arrived at Dorney, my mom got out of the car to see us off and remind us what time she'd be picking us up and where, at which point the girl I was with started pointing and loudly mocking my fingers and palms.
I don't to this day remember the words she said, but I do remember it hit me hard and I'm sure I teared up. Ninth grade Ashley, a lot like present day Ashley, would never fire an insult back. Rather, I would just fixate forever on what an ugly and terrible failure I was as a human being. Enter my mother. I only remember a portion of what my mother said ("hey, don't fuck with the eagles till you know how to fly") but I know it was a slightly cutting remark at the other girl's expense. Do I think it was compassionate to criticize a teenager as an adult? Nope. But I do remember thinking on that day, and still today as I slathered on Tarte's latest self-tanner, that one day I hoped to love my child so much that I would get emotional and step in to protect them, you know, within reason of course.
I may never have a biological child to protect with that fierce love, but I do feel that way about Malcolm. I would do damn near anything to keep that kid from ever feeling less than or ostracized. I would go to unimaginable lengths to keep a smile on his face instead of tears in his eyes.
There are factors out of my control at play when it comes to Malcolm, of course, but when I am with him I hope he sees just how truly he is loved. I hope that he feels my love for him radiate out of my words and actions, just as I did with my mother.
And, selfishly, I hope that he loves me just as much as my mother and is blind to tan stains or dark palms because years later, while a vast improvement has been made, I still have not perfected my damn self-tanning method.
Showing posts with label beauty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beauty. Show all posts
2014/01/06
If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say....
Mood: annoyed
Didn't everyone's parents tell them this as children. Have people always been as hateful and mean as we are now? And if not, then when did we become such a mean culture? When did we decide that the best way to begin feeling better about ourselves was to tear others down? When did the need to constantly feel superior to the other begin? Why do we continue this even when we know how harmful and hurtful this behavior is?
For the past few days I've been mulling over a few posts I've seen on Facebook or Pinterest recently that bash women who wear makeup when going to the gym. Full disclosure because we're all friends here, I am that woman. I wear mascara to the gym.
I kind of let go of these posts because they really didn't upset me that much but then, I started thinking about Panera jerk from this past fall. For full details on what I'm talking about, read here.
Then today, as I'm browsing a style/beauty book in the Amazon eBook store I read a comment that states "women need to read this book before ever leaving the house in jeans because it would save me from seeing so much public ugliness." Really? REALLY? I'm pretty sure the public ugliness is your comment.
After reading that these feelings of inadequacy turned into an incensed anger. Why is this okay behavior?
Honestly, when did it become acceptable and normal to be so rude to each other?
Maybe I wear makeup to the gym not because I want to look good for anyone there, but because without it I feel too insecure to leave my house some days. Maybe I wear makeup to the gym because it helps me to feel more powerful and increases the amount of work I do there. Maybe the reason I wear makeup to the gym is none of your damn business.
Or maybe, just maybe, if we lived in a less judgmental and hateful world, I wouldn't feel so "ugly in public" and I could cart my yoga pants wearing fat ass to the gym, makeup free, but with a genuine smile on my face.
There is a quote that has made the rounds online by Jennifer Lawrence about how people veil this horrendous behavior by saying "welcome to the real world" and her retort was "that shouldn't be the real world" and I cannot applaud her enough for saying that. It shouldn't be acceptable to bash and hate and bully and belittle and then just tell people to suck it up.
I know that one of my resolutions in this new year is to do more good. To start leaving more encouraging messages randomly on cars or in public restrooms. I started this blog as a way to impact change in my own world and while it has served that purpose, it has strayed as well. I hope, this year, to blog more intentionally about making a positive change in the world. As my favorite artist, Andrew McMahon sings, "this world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?"
Yes, Andrew. Yes it is. If there is one thing I learned from cancer it is that the world is full of generosity and beauty and truly amazing people, even when things seem to be at their most hopeless. And I vow to do my part this year to help others see the beauty that I now do each and every day. I hope you'll join me.
Didn't everyone's parents tell them this as children. Have people always been as hateful and mean as we are now? And if not, then when did we become such a mean culture? When did we decide that the best way to begin feeling better about ourselves was to tear others down? When did the need to constantly feel superior to the other begin? Why do we continue this even when we know how harmful and hurtful this behavior is?
For the past few days I've been mulling over a few posts I've seen on Facebook or Pinterest recently that bash women who wear makeup when going to the gym. Full disclosure because we're all friends here, I am that woman. I wear mascara to the gym.
I kind of let go of these posts because they really didn't upset me that much but then, I started thinking about Panera jerk from this past fall. For full details on what I'm talking about, read here.
Then today, as I'm browsing a style/beauty book in the Amazon eBook store I read a comment that states "women need to read this book before ever leaving the house in jeans because it would save me from seeing so much public ugliness." Really? REALLY? I'm pretty sure the public ugliness is your comment.
After reading that these feelings of inadequacy turned into an incensed anger. Why is this okay behavior?
Honestly, when did it become acceptable and normal to be so rude to each other?
Maybe I wear makeup to the gym not because I want to look good for anyone there, but because without it I feel too insecure to leave my house some days. Maybe I wear makeup to the gym because it helps me to feel more powerful and increases the amount of work I do there. Maybe the reason I wear makeup to the gym is none of your damn business.
Or maybe, just maybe, if we lived in a less judgmental and hateful world, I wouldn't feel so "ugly in public" and I could cart my yoga pants wearing fat ass to the gym, makeup free, but with a genuine smile on my face.
There is a quote that has made the rounds online by Jennifer Lawrence about how people veil this horrendous behavior by saying "welcome to the real world" and her retort was "that shouldn't be the real world" and I cannot applaud her enough for saying that. It shouldn't be acceptable to bash and hate and bully and belittle and then just tell people to suck it up.
I know that one of my resolutions in this new year is to do more good. To start leaving more encouraging messages randomly on cars or in public restrooms. I started this blog as a way to impact change in my own world and while it has served that purpose, it has strayed as well. I hope, this year, to blog more intentionally about making a positive change in the world. As my favorite artist, Andrew McMahon sings, "this world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?"
Yes, Andrew. Yes it is. If there is one thing I learned from cancer it is that the world is full of generosity and beauty and truly amazing people, even when things seem to be at their most hopeless. And I vow to do my part this year to help others see the beauty that I now do each and every day. I hope you'll join me.
2013/07/22
YouTube: A Love Story
Mood: humble
So as I briefly mentioned I have a slight obsession with YouTube at the moment. I feel like I've been missing out on this community and now I'm determined to immerse myself as fully as possible. In doing so I've learned several things about myself recently:
1. I could have been a beauty blogger/YouTube guru. I honestly thought I was the only person who hoarded beauty products the way that I do...I mean I feel like most normal people only have two, maybe three mascaras. I currently have thirteen in the house. Thirteen mascaras. And I can detail how every single one performs and why you might want to choose one mascara over the other. Plus I want more...every time I see a new one I get all kinds of excited the way Malcolm does when he sees a new Spiderman. Let's not even get started on how many lip products or eyeliners I have. Apparently I could have vlogged my opinon on products and made money....ugh. Jeff says to go for it, as I mentioned last post he keeps tellling me that all the vloggers started somwhere. He's right, however, I feel like I arrived to the party super late so I'm going to remain a spectator at this point.
2. Goats screaming are hilarious and I sound exactly like a screaming goat when I attempt to sing. Yet when I sing it is nowhere near as hilarious as a screaming goat. Maybe I sound more like a severely injured cat. One of the two. It takes a lot of patience and love for someone to listen to me belt out Something Corporate's "Konstantine" and still be smiling and not plugging your ears at the end, and for this reason I will never, ever stop loving Jeff. Seriously. The man has the patience, and apparently ears, of a saint.
3. People gain fame and money by coming up with crafty puns, and I am immensely jealous of this. Hannah Hart and her My Drunk Kitchen show is an excellent example of this, and seriously, her puns are fantastic. Plus the idea of getting drunk and cooking....genius. I could have made so much money in college by attempting the cooking and baking we did after heading to the local bar, Jack's, though we usually ended up calling Two Cousins pizza for fried cauliflower and pizza cause...well....inevitably somebody would forget to turn the oven on while attempting to bake a funfetti cake.
4. There is something for everyone. And seriously, I mean everyone. There are channels full of sarcasm and wit, beauty advice, DIY tutorials for awesome jewelry....annnnnnnnnnnd people popping zits and cysts (which I oddly can't stop watching along with videos of botflys erupting out of the human body. Amazing....) Anyway, pretty much anything you could possibly imagine is on YouTube. You can watch serious singing talent and then watch some jerk clean his ear out. I mean. How is this NOT a part of the American Dream? I might never upload a single video to YouTube cause I'm actually super camera shy...but a girl can dream. Or just watch cute kittens for an hour. It's pretty much the same thing.
5. Perhaps the most important thing I have recently learned from YouTube is how to curl my hair! Serioiusly. I'm 29 and I JUST figured out this summer how to curl my hair and have it look the way I mean for it to look. I'd get lucky every so often with my flat iron and happen into an awesome curled style...but it was always when I was just screwing around and never actually leaving the house. Now, I can curl my hair before going out and be proud of my curls. I can't even describe the level of excitement that I have right now. Also, if you're thinking about buying a curling wand...DO IT. Best $15 I ever spent. Legit.
Maybe curling my hair is slightly less important than learning to be myself and put myself out there. But. I mean, should I someday become an internet star or have a picture for the back of a book cover, at least my hair will look slamming.
So as I briefly mentioned I have a slight obsession with YouTube at the moment. I feel like I've been missing out on this community and now I'm determined to immerse myself as fully as possible. In doing so I've learned several things about myself recently:
1. I could have been a beauty blogger/YouTube guru. I honestly thought I was the only person who hoarded beauty products the way that I do...I mean I feel like most normal people only have two, maybe three mascaras. I currently have thirteen in the house. Thirteen mascaras. And I can detail how every single one performs and why you might want to choose one mascara over the other. Plus I want more...every time I see a new one I get all kinds of excited the way Malcolm does when he sees a new Spiderman. Let's not even get started on how many lip products or eyeliners I have. Apparently I could have vlogged my opinon on products and made money....ugh. Jeff says to go for it, as I mentioned last post he keeps tellling me that all the vloggers started somwhere. He's right, however, I feel like I arrived to the party super late so I'm going to remain a spectator at this point.
2. Goats screaming are hilarious and I sound exactly like a screaming goat when I attempt to sing. Yet when I sing it is nowhere near as hilarious as a screaming goat. Maybe I sound more like a severely injured cat. One of the two. It takes a lot of patience and love for someone to listen to me belt out Something Corporate's "Konstantine" and still be smiling and not plugging your ears at the end, and for this reason I will never, ever stop loving Jeff. Seriously. The man has the patience, and apparently ears, of a saint.
3. People gain fame and money by coming up with crafty puns, and I am immensely jealous of this. Hannah Hart and her My Drunk Kitchen show is an excellent example of this, and seriously, her puns are fantastic. Plus the idea of getting drunk and cooking....genius. I could have made so much money in college by attempting the cooking and baking we did after heading to the local bar, Jack's, though we usually ended up calling Two Cousins pizza for fried cauliflower and pizza cause...well....inevitably somebody would forget to turn the oven on while attempting to bake a funfetti cake.
4. There is something for everyone. And seriously, I mean everyone. There are channels full of sarcasm and wit, beauty advice, DIY tutorials for awesome jewelry....annnnnnnnnnnd people popping zits and cysts (which I oddly can't stop watching along with videos of botflys erupting out of the human body. Amazing....) Anyway, pretty much anything you could possibly imagine is on YouTube. You can watch serious singing talent and then watch some jerk clean his ear out. I mean. How is this NOT a part of the American Dream? I might never upload a single video to YouTube cause I'm actually super camera shy...but a girl can dream. Or just watch cute kittens for an hour. It's pretty much the same thing.
5. Perhaps the most important thing I have recently learned from YouTube is how to curl my hair! Serioiusly. I'm 29 and I JUST figured out this summer how to curl my hair and have it look the way I mean for it to look. I'd get lucky every so often with my flat iron and happen into an awesome curled style...but it was always when I was just screwing around and never actually leaving the house. Now, I can curl my hair before going out and be proud of my curls. I can't even describe the level of excitement that I have right now. Also, if you're thinking about buying a curling wand...DO IT. Best $15 I ever spent. Legit.
Maybe curling my hair is slightly less important than learning to be myself and put myself out there. But. I mean, should I someday become an internet star or have a picture for the back of a book cover, at least my hair will look slamming.
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