Original title, eh? In all seriousness though, I felt I owed it to myself and to my readers, whoever you are, to be completely honest about this whole cancer process.
Yesterday I blogged only a few hours removed from the news that my husband still has a mass (actually two but only one large-ish one) in his lungs. We arrived home from the hospital and I had time to take off my coat before I had to turn around and pick Malcolm up from school due to a fever of 100.1. It was not a good afternoon in the Lilland household yesterday.
The silence that hung in the air between Jeff and I was charged with fear, anxiety and devastation. We knew we might not get good news, but I don't think either one of us was quite prepared for how badly wounded we would be if we heard bad news.
That's what is so amazing about time, though. It truly does heal and just 24 hours later, I'm ready to fight again. Right after I posted my blog from yesterday I logged on to my tumblr account because I love going there when I do not feel like concentrating on anything. The first two posts that appeared on my dash were:
"Honestly, you just take a deep breath and say, fuck it." - Johnny Knoxville
and:
"You can't control what goes on around you, you can't. But for me, I think there's staples of moments, that crazy moment where you think you're indestructible. And then that moment where you find out that you're not. And then that moment where all of a sudden you go, 'Okay, I'm not indestructible but I'm going to be okay.' You have this life and we all have these lives we live but it takes a bit of learning before you realize not every drama's going to kill you and not every hard day has to lead to another one." - Andrew McMahon
And I was kind of like, Okay God, I get it.
Because I realize that either I can roll over and let Jeff's potential cancer return paralyze me with fear and sadness, or I can decide that we got through the past year so we can get through the next few days, then weeks, then months.
I know that this mindset will not always be easy and I am sure that there will be moments in which I am utterly afraid and defeated. I can only pray for the strength to keep going during those moments. I have never considered myself to be a strong woman, and truthfully I still do not. I am too anxious to be strong. But when it comes to the boys in my life, well, right now I do not have a choice but to find what little strength I can and to hold on like hell.
And for now, that feels like a very brave and strong choice indeed.
So I'll heed Johnny Knoxville and Andrew McMahon's advice. I'm going to take a deep breath and I'm going to remember that I, while far from indestructible, am going to be okay.
Amen.
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