Today Sucks

Mood:


I don't know why I bother including a mood anymore on my blog. Maybe it's a throwback from the MySpace days when I got to choose a stupid looking emoticon to go next to my headline of the day. Most days I have a mood that helps me to create a cohesive post; it serves as a sort of theme for what I am trying to say.

But, today, I do not have a mood like that and I am not sure that I would ever have the words necessary to form a coherent, cohesive post.

Today sucks. It just does. It is a horrible, no good, very bad day and I wish that it were over.

Only, at the same time, I kind of don't want it to be over because....what then?

Friends, the news from the oncologist is inconclusive. At the end of November there were still masses in Jeff's lungs. And there are still two in there now. The oncologist "has no idea" what they might be and so Jeff is facing another surgery.

If it is once again cancer, I am not sure what happens next. If it is not cancer, Jeff is good to go as soon as he is healed from surgery.

I have tried my very hardest to remain optimistic during Jeff's cancer, but today, as I drove us home from the hospital the only thing I could think was:  what if I lose my husband to cancer?

I do not believe that I am going to lose Jeff. I believe that we have a long, happy and healthy life ahead of us. But. Isn't it enough already?

I know that cancer does not care who you are. It does not strike down those who are "bad" people. No, cancer attacks without prejudice or reason.

I want desperately to stop writing about cancer. I want so badly for Jeff to return to a state where he is no longer scared of his own body. I want a sense of normalcy once again.

But, we do not always get what we want. I know that there is a lesson here or that things happen for a reason, and in time I trust I will have the knowledge that seems evasive now. For the time being, however, I will do what I need to in order to get through each day and I will pray that Jeff and I have some good news coming our way in 2014.