To Ashley, On Her 30th Birthday

Mood:  humbled

I don't know how many of you have seen "To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday," and to be honest I would have to watch it again to fully remember the movie. Judging by the score on IMDB.com and Rotten Tomatoes, this was not a critic's choice, but,  I watched it years and years ago with my mom and I remember the movie being sad but honest and I remember liking it. 

Today, I turn 30. Less scary than 37. On one hand, it truly feels just like another birthday:  a normal day that I will celebrate with Jeff and Malcolm and hot pink frosted cupcakes. Yet there is a part of me that can't help but think "this is a big deal." Maybe it's the way we're programmed as women? 30 is supposed to be old, or something? I don't really buy in to that, and I think that while there is an obsession with looking or feeling younger, the general mood is that age is a state of mind. In which case, some days I am 10.

I digress. The point is, I can't help but feel reflective as I come up on this milestone and I thought I would take the time to write myself a little letter. 

So, here goes:

Ashley,

You definitely do not have your shit together. You are still a chaotic, mostly disorganized and impulsive person who has a bizarre love for organizers, to-do lists and routines (even though you bore of routine quickly). You still don't believe in yourself the way you should and more often than not you end up taking an easier, less scary route than risking complete failure.

But, you're still alive. And you get up each day with the sincere intent to be a better person. To be a more attentive and active (step) mother, to be a more compassionate and loving wife and to live a healthier life.

This past year has been nothing short of hell. Since Grandpa Bob's death in October of 2012, your life has seen loss of a large magnitude and serious health scares. You have spent the past year coping the very best you possibly could, even if at the time that consisted of eating pizza with sour cream and onion chips and binge playing Grand Theft Auto 5. You spent a year discovering how strong you really are, and how scary and fragile life really is.

Sure, you're still deciding what to be when you grow up and you certainly don't have anything figured out, but, Ashley, you're doing pretty awesome. You live with a simple purpose now:  to live each day with the purpose of finding the wonder, the beauty and the simple moments that make life so amazing.

Ashley, you might not be where you thought you would be at 30. And while it is cliche, you are exactly where you are meant to be. Even when you feel like a total failure or a complete loser, you are doing the best you can with what you have and have a deep desire to continue to make life happier, healthier and more wonderful for all those around you.

Keep it up.

Happy 30th birthday!